April First Breaking News

April 1, 2013

The coup d'etat in the U.S. is now in its second week.
In New York, Acting President David Petraeus
Calls for calm among all citizens, as
Order is slowly being restored in Washington.

Units of the 82nd Airborne Division
Are being returned to Fort Bragg, NC
While the cleanup of the National Mall
Is being supervised by D.C. police.

The United Nations building in New York
Now functions as temporary capitol of the government.
The last of UN staff and foreign representatives
Have relocated to Brussels, Belgium.

Mr. Petraeus retains the portfolio of defense
While Acting Secretary of State, Sarah Palin,
Continues her tour of European capitals to
Explain our situation to their leaders.

Inasmuch as the U.S. Congress has been dismissed,
Federal departments will issue orders as needed.
Acting Treasury Secretary Mitt Romney
Has promised all funds will be distributed as scheduled.

This week the final transfer of federal reserve funds to
The Bank of the United States will occur.
Formerly known as Citicorp, the new bank plans
To sell off gradually its hoard of dubious derivatives.

Mr. Petraeus states that he plans to call
A new constitutional convention in the fall of 2013
To replace the broken system of government with
A more responsive parliamentary scheme.

Mr. Petraeus denies that he will be president for life,
But he did say that he and Paula prefer living in NYC
For the night life and the Broadway shows.
On Good Morning America tomorrow, Paula will sing:

"Don't cry for me, North America.
The truth is, I never left you.
All through my wild days,
My mad existence, I kept my promise,
Don't keep your distance,
I love you and I hope you love me."